The Book of Ayn by Lexi Freiman

Author:Lexi Freiman [Freiman, Lexi]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2023-10-11T00:00:00+00:00

Calm like the sea;

Like a high wind that never ceases.

The multitude all have a purpose.

I alone am foolish and uncouth.

I alone am different from others

And value being fed by the mother.

I tried not to make the message about myself. But it was hard. I wanted to be like the maroon mass of women in the other room, merged in their solemn purpose, nurturing their sorrow. But I didn’t belong there. I barely even belonged here, beside this dear woman who had been so good to me and whose love I had largely taken for granted. I leaned in and kissed Magda on the forehead. The coolness of her skin was a shock. The hard unyieldingness. I’m sorry, I heard myself whisper. But even this was misplaced.

Out in the living room, a tiny Romanian woman in a dirty smock gave me a small plate of cookies and a cup of lukewarm tea. I took these things gratefully and occupied myself with them in an empty corner. The Edelsteins’ vast bookshelf loomed overhead. The authors were intimidating. Nabokov. Céline. Rushdie. Roth.

They were not “good” people. And could you ever really separate the work from the personality? In modernist fiction the medium was the message, the consciousness, the monster themselves. But maybe that was always the case with art. Because the good stuff didn’t come easy—that pure, clean channel between artist and muse. Perhaps the definition itself just had to sound less noble and more like the personality disorder that it probably was. Artist: a grandiose and insecure person who feels especially destined and uniquely condemned and, deep in their heart, fears that they must be empty.

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